Yes, one of my favorite sayings is "Laughter is the best medicine" and Mammograms are FRIGHTENING to the young woman who is anticipating her first visit. (Trust me, I know! I just had my first one August 1998... THIS YEAR!)
Was I afraid? YOU BET'CHA! And after the experience, I agree with the "poetry" below. (It could have been worse. They could have refused to let me out of that contraption!) ;)
By the way...
My first mammogram was NEGATIVE!!!
WHEW!!!
One down...
Hopefully...
Many more to go...
(If you know what I mean)
:)
As most of you are aware that October is Breast Awareness Month,
and if you haven't already gone, set the appointment right NOW!!!!
But you must be prepared for your mammogram. Many women are afraid
of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week proceeding the exam and
doing the following practice exercises:
EXERCISE #1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE #2
Visit your garage at 3 a.m . when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE #3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
(Hope you got a chuckle out as this I did. I was given this soon after I had gotten my first mammogram! (1998))
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And my bra I always wore.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath", she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good", I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one".
Lord have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!